Pages from My Journal: The Arrogant and The Trembling

2-07-12

I have experienced for the first time a genuine fear associated with being a teacher of God's word and a leader in His most holy church.

I know not what was said in the Bible study at Alejandro's house, or why it struck me so, but sitting there with Domingo and Alejandro I suddenly became terrified to speak.

This is not to say that I never knew or acknowledged the necessity of such fear, but that I have never known it experientially. I knew that I ought to tremble before God, but I had never done so. I had even prayed the following prayer, "Lord, don't let me mess this one up" as preparation to preach a sermon, but I see now that those words were uttered out of a sense of duty towards reverence and not a genuine felt fear. I knew I ought to tremble though I did not.

I now question whether or not I am fit to preach at all. How arrogant was I to believe that I was fit to preach because "I had all the answers." I was eager to "educate the people." I thought that there was nothing beyond my comprehension. Whenever met with a question I was eager to speak for God, to be God's advocate, and to justify His actions. I felt ready to explain why God seemed to tolerate polygamy in the Old Testament. I "knew" why God commanded entire nations, including women and children, to be annihilated. Now I only stand puzzled. To think that I ever attempted to explain such things too wonderful for me.

Things that I formerly felt as sure of as I am my own name have now been turned on their heads, and I now feel just as certain of their opposite. This being so, I hesitate to trust many of my own convictions, and I stand aghast at the thought of transferring my ignorance to another. I think it true, "Only two men become leaders of faith: the arrogant and the trembling."

I have now developed a distaste for one way communication. I fear to teach and preach in any venue where I cannot be immediately questioned and corrected. Now, my first preoccupation after I have read a thing is, "What have I missed?" I immediately want to share what I have found with others, but not so I can educate them (as before), rather so that they can educate me. I desire discussion and two-way talk, communal learning.

I fear now to say anything authoritatively for fear that I will speak beyond my capacity to understand and that some soul (God have mercy) will be convinced by smooth words. What shall be rendered unto me having lead such a one astray? God have mercy on us both.

I think that I shall always be a teacher. My heart will not allow me to do anything else. But I do so pleading God to forgive my ignorance. I feel certain that I shall have many things for which to answer when I meet my Lord. I only find comfort in knowing that His grace is greater than all my sin. God forgive me.