2-07-12
I have experienced for the first time a genuine fear associated with being a teacher of God's word and a leader in His most holy church.
I know not what was said in the Bible study at Alejandro's house, or why it struck me so, but sitting there with Domingo and Alejandro I suddenly became terrified to speak.
This is not to say that I never knew or acknowledged the necessity of such fear, but that I have never known it experientially. I knew that I ought to tremble before God, but I had never done so. I had even prayed the following prayer, "Lord, don't let me mess this one up" as preparation to preach a sermon, but I see now that those words were uttered out of a sense of duty towards reverence and not a genuine felt fear. I knew I ought to tremble though I did not.
I now question whether or not I am fit to preach at all. How arrogant was I to believe that I was fit to preach because "I had all the answers." I was eager to "educate the people." I thought that there was nothing beyond my comprehension. Whenever met with a question I was eager to speak for God, to be God's advocate, and to justify His actions. I felt ready to explain why God seemed to tolerate polygamy in the Old Testament. I "knew" why God commanded entire nations, including women and children, to be annihilated. Now I only stand puzzled. To think that I ever attempted to explain such things too wonderful for me.
Things that I formerly felt as sure of as I am my own name have now been turned on their heads, and I now feel just as certain of their opposite. This being so, I hesitate to trust many of my own convictions, and I stand aghast at the thought of transferring my ignorance to another. I think it true, "Only two men become leaders of faith: the arrogant and the trembling."
I have now developed a distaste for one way communication. I fear to teach and preach in any venue where I cannot be immediately questioned and corrected. Now, my first preoccupation after I have read a thing is, "What have I missed?" I immediately want to share what I have found with others, but not so I can educate them (as before), rather so that they can educate me. I desire discussion and two-way talk, communal learning.
I fear now to say anything authoritatively for fear that I will speak beyond my capacity to understand and that some soul (God have mercy) will be convinced by smooth words. What shall be rendered unto me having lead such a one astray? God have mercy on us both.
I think that I shall always be a teacher. My heart will not allow me to do anything else. But I do so pleading God to forgive my ignorance. I feel certain that I shall have many things for which to answer when I meet my Lord. I only find comfort in knowing that His grace is greater than all my sin. God forgive me.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Pages from My Journal: Disputes and Arguments Over Words
1-29-12
Today during Bible class there arose a small contention between Saulo and Domingo concerning Jude 22, 23. They disputed as to whether or not "those that doubt" refers to those within or without the church. Domingo espoused the former and Saulo the latter. I could not help but think the discussion to be wholly unfruitful and much like the "disputes and arguments over words" against which Paul so wisely warned Timothy. In both cases, whether Jude referred to those within or without the church, they are in need of mercy, compassion, and salvation from the fire of which they are in danger.
Second, the congregation is wholly made of new Christians and it seems imprudent to me to squabble over crumbs in the presence of new believers. I very much respect Domingo's dedication to truth, but in him I see my former self. At that time my love for truth had been corrupted, imperceptibly, into a prideful (though neither he nor I would recognize it as pride) desire to be found "right." We would rather defend our actions "in the cause of truth." But, though truth be precious, is all truth necessary? Either to know or to be defended? Must a man know all the truth and nothing but the truth? No man can know all the truth, and I find it equally unlikely that a man can escape this life without some misunderstanding having crept in. It is unlikely that all the knowledge which he has obtained would be true in all its facets.
I increasingly find such disputes sour to my taste and wish that the Lord's most holy church were rid of them. I pray, Lord, that Thou wilt give me the wisdom and humility to avoid involvement in such disputes and to love Thy church as Thy body, Thine own flesh and blood.
What truths are necessary? What truths must be known and defended against corruption? What truths affect the salvation of man's soul? These questions, though the three at their root are one, have become increasingly troublesome to my spirit. We must buy truth and sell it not, and at the same time, we must avoid disputes over words which do gender strife.
What's more, with each day I do think increasingly that the church of our Lord, the church of Christ, bought with His own blood (and how precious a price), the universal body of disciples, the Way, established that first Pentecost following our Lord's resurrection, is guilty of involving itself in such disputes. I feel that it is guilty of treating things which are not, as if they were; that it is straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. We are taking care to count our spices but neglecting love, mercy, and justice. God have mercy on our souls.
"What doth it profit to argue about hidden and dark things, concerning which we shall not be even reproved in the judgment, because we knew them not? Oh, grievous folly, to neglect the things which are profitable and necessary, and to give our minds to things which are curious and hurtful! Having eyes, we see not." The Imitation of Christ, chp. III, .1.
Today during Bible class there arose a small contention between Saulo and Domingo concerning Jude 22, 23. They disputed as to whether or not "those that doubt" refers to those within or without the church. Domingo espoused the former and Saulo the latter. I could not help but think the discussion to be wholly unfruitful and much like the "disputes and arguments over words" against which Paul so wisely warned Timothy. In both cases, whether Jude referred to those within or without the church, they are in need of mercy, compassion, and salvation from the fire of which they are in danger.
Second, the congregation is wholly made of new Christians and it seems imprudent to me to squabble over crumbs in the presence of new believers. I very much respect Domingo's dedication to truth, but in him I see my former self. At that time my love for truth had been corrupted, imperceptibly, into a prideful (though neither he nor I would recognize it as pride) desire to be found "right." We would rather defend our actions "in the cause of truth." But, though truth be precious, is all truth necessary? Either to know or to be defended? Must a man know all the truth and nothing but the truth? No man can know all the truth, and I find it equally unlikely that a man can escape this life without some misunderstanding having crept in. It is unlikely that all the knowledge which he has obtained would be true in all its facets.
I increasingly find such disputes sour to my taste and wish that the Lord's most holy church were rid of them. I pray, Lord, that Thou wilt give me the wisdom and humility to avoid involvement in such disputes and to love Thy church as Thy body, Thine own flesh and blood.
What truths are necessary? What truths must be known and defended against corruption? What truths affect the salvation of man's soul? These questions, though the three at their root are one, have become increasingly troublesome to my spirit. We must buy truth and sell it not, and at the same time, we must avoid disputes over words which do gender strife.
What's more, with each day I do think increasingly that the church of our Lord, the church of Christ, bought with His own blood (and how precious a price), the universal body of disciples, the Way, established that first Pentecost following our Lord's resurrection, is guilty of involving itself in such disputes. I feel that it is guilty of treating things which are not, as if they were; that it is straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. We are taking care to count our spices but neglecting love, mercy, and justice. God have mercy on our souls.
"What doth it profit to argue about hidden and dark things, concerning which we shall not be even reproved in the judgment, because we knew them not? Oh, grievous folly, to neglect the things which are profitable and necessary, and to give our minds to things which are curious and hurtful! Having eyes, we see not." The Imitation of Christ, chp. III, .1.
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