In my previous letter I wrote about the two things necessary to becoming a true individual: first, knowing yourself, and second, obeying yourself. I thought that I might offer some advice concerning getting to know yourself. I do not know whether I can say anything worthwhile, or anything that you do not already know, but I do know that traveling inside myself has been one of the most beneficial things I have ever done and I am confident that you also will be benefited by the exercise.
I should begin by telling why this is important. Individuals who do not examine themselves do themselves a great injury. Those who do not know themselves well cannot form strong, meaningful, and lasting relationships to the same degree as those that do. Mature relationships are only formed when people are able to share themselves and a person cannot share himself if he does not know himself. That would be like trying to give someone a gift that you do not possess. This person also robs himself of an intimate relationship with God for the same reason. Being molded by God means wrestling with ourselves in His presence, and how can we wrestle with an enemy whom we have never met, namely ourselves? This means knowing ourselves, our temptations, and our weaknesses in order that we might present them to God in asking for grace and mercy whereby we might overcome these things. Does not that holy apostle give us this command, “Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith”? What purpose would this examination serve if not to surrender what faults we find unto our merciful God? Indeed, self-exploration is not only practically beneficial, it is disciplined obedience.
The first advice I have is very simple: start. As I mentioned before, being human means being dust. You only have a limited amount of time to explore yourself. Time wasted in this area is time stolen from our individuality itself. You should start this practice as soon as possible because the best way to learn anything is to do it. All that I can offer in this letter are things that I have tried and that have worked for me in my experience, but I cannot say with certainty whether or not they will work for you. Perhaps they can be at least a starting place, but you must find your own way of searching yourself. The sooner you begin the discipline the sooner you will find your own way.
Second, take time alone. When all of your time is spent with others you only hear what they think of you, what things they think you ought to do, and who they think you ought to be. If enough time passes in this manner you soon forget what ideas are your own and which are theirs. In this way, you become more like them and less like yourself. Your concern is how to be an original, not a copy, how to be a creation, not an imitation, how to be a voice and not an echo. Time spent with others is necessary because they challenge us, try our ideas, and balance our judgments, but you need time to sift through those things and determine how much of what you have left is really you.
Third, you must question yourself. Nothing in you is unworthy of question, and you should never be satisfied with simple answers. The most important answers are found under the big questions. They are found in the why, in your motive and purpose, because those are the things that are nearest to the soul. If I were to ask you why you are a Christian you might respond that you are a Christian because you want to go to Heaven. That is a valid answer, and a good one, but it is ultimately simple and shallow. The richer answer lies in your motive. You must question yourself again. Ask yourself why. Why do you want to go to Heaven? Is it because you fear Hell? Or is it perhaps because you have been told that you ought to want to go to Heaven? Is it because you understand Heaven to be the best of the only two options? If there were a third option, not quite so bad as Hell, but not quite so good as Heaven, would you choose it instead? Do you want to go to Heaven because you want to know God in His fullness? Because He is the Father that makes Heaven your home? Or, because He is the One who has provided for you, and the One whom you wish to thank for His care? Is it because He is the Husband that has loved you dearly and drawn you to His bosom to have and to hold and to cherish? Does there exist some other reason that you want to go to Heaven? Or perhaps a combination of these reasons? Only you have your answers. This is an example of when the answers most worth having are the hardest to find.
I might also ask you why you want to travel. Is it because you want to be able to say that you have seen it? So that when Ireland comes up in casual conversation (and really, how often does that happen?), you can say that you have been there? Is it so that people can admire you for being what they consider well-traveled? Or is there some other motive? I could ask you why you enjoy band, why certain songs move you, or why there is tension in your relationship with your mother. Nothing is unworthy of question because all of these things are part of you and in order to know yourself you must know all of your parts. The important thing to remember is to take every question, no matter how grand or how simple, and to search for the big answers. Dig down deep. Struggle with yourself to find the motives of your soul, the passions of your heart, and the purposes of your intellect.
Finally, you must react. Reacting to what you find inside of yourself will often lead you deeper inside and draw you nearer to the fullness of your individuality. If you were to discover that you sought Heaven in an attempt to avoid Hell, would you be satisfied with that answer? If so, then your job would be done until you are ready to question yourself again (and we must never stop questioning ourselves because that is when we stop growing). But, if you are not satisfied with your answer, will you work to change your purpose? And how will you change it? If you found that your desire to travel was fueled by the desire to say that you have seen it, and to feel accomplished in that area of your life, would you be satisfied with that motive? If you are, then you must react to it and see what new things your travels will reveal about yourself. Go! Do! See what you want to see! But what if you are not satisfied with that motive? Then perhaps travel is not as important to you as you had once thought it to be. Perhaps it is an ambition that you should forfeit in exchange for one which you find you have a better reason to pursue. Or, maybe, you will still travel. But maybe you will pursue your travels with a different and renewed purpose of heart, with a motive that you judge to be better than the one you had before. The important thing to remember is that no matter what answers you find in yourself you must react to them. If you judge them to be satisfactory answers then your responsibility is to commit to those answers passionately. If you do not judge them to be satisfactory then you still have a responsibility, albeit a different one. In such cases your responsibility is to work to find the satisfactory answers that you lack which means reforming yourself and converting your heart. Reacting to what you find inside yourself is of the utmost importance. When you find your answers you must ask, “So what?” Otherwise, you have all of the facts and none of the power. You have all of the fuel and none of the flame. You have all of the potential and none of the influence. You have all of the knowledge, and none of the wisdom.
I have not judged your motives. I have only used the things I mentioned here as illustrations of a point. I do not know why you are a Christian (sometimes I feel as if I hardly know why I am one myself). Even if I did know why you are a Christian, it would not be my place to judge your motive. Of course I believe that some motives are better than others, but that has little to do with you. I do not know your motives for wanting to travel. Again, even if I did, what I think about your motives is unimportant as it pertains to getting to know yourself. Of course, I believe that some motives are better than others, but my word carries very little weight in the universe. God is judge. This leads me to my final word.
Getting to know yourself is not the end or goal of the experience, God is. Part of the “so-what” is “So what does God think of who I am, why I am who I am, and what I am doing with who I am?” Getting to know yourself is not about making yourself who you want to be, it is about allowing God to make us into who He wants us to be. Left to ourselves we would all be exactly alike. God is the potter, and we are the clay. He is the only one that can make us into true individuals. C.S. Lewis said, “How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the saints.” Getting to know yourself should not be humanistic, or prideful, or vain. It is about knowing all your different parts so that you can surrender them all to God. You cannot give to God what you do not know, or will not admit exists.
Know yourself, and then give yourself to God so that He can do with you what He wills.
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