Pages from My Journal: My Name is Thomas

1-15-13

I must admit, I am a skeptic. To my great disappointment, I realize that I always have been.  I have often looked down upon others whom I did not consider to be "discerning," but God, by His boundless grace, has opened my eyes and broken my heart.

I recently heard a brother preach and, to be frank, I found his sermon altogether incoherent.  However, as he concluded he began to speak about the brevity of life and the importance of obeying Christ without delay.  While he so spake his voice began to crack and his eyes to brim with tears; I was awe-struck.  This man's faith was obviously very real to him.  That was undeniable.  He did not ride on the coat tails of his parents' faith but had made it his very own.  At the same time, I could not see how someone, whom I consider to be so devoid of understanding, could have a faith so deep and true.  Then I realized that I was once again making the mistake of assuming that everyone is like me.  Because my faith depended upon being able to see the reason behind the system I assumed that the faith of every other depended on the same, and that any faith which did not rest in "discernment" was no faith at all.  I see now that it is their faith which is true and mine which is lacking.  They believe, not because they understand the system, but because they trust the Person.  My faith (which rested in logic, reason, and knowledge) ultimately amounts to faith in myself and is limited by what I can understand.  True faith, their faith, the faith I had so long despised, is faith in God, and includes that which we cannot understand.

I find prayer to have been my chief difficulty.  In nearly the whole of my Christian life prayer has been absent, not because I did not recognize the command, but because I did not understand the system.  I was paralyzed by what I thought was a lack of knowledge, but I now realize that it was a lack of faith that hindered my prayers.  I considered myself to be learned and "wise," and yet the masses that I considered to be "simple" excelled in prayer while I floundered.  They did not need to understand the how, only the why.  "God has commanded it, so shall I obey.  Thus it is written, and so shall it be done."  They need not understand the system for delivering gifts, they simply trust in the Giver.  They received their gifts while I attended lectures on Fed-Ex and read books about the UPS.  While I tried to prove the system, I denied the Person.  While I sought to explain the arrival of the gift, I denied the Giver.  I gloried in my wisdom, but tell me now, who is the wiser?  Obedience is the virtue, not understanding.  Understanding is only profitable insofar as it aids our obedience and becomes altogether unprofitable the moment it begins to hinder our obedience.  May I become a fool the very day that "wisdom" causes me to disobey the Christ.  Our Lord's command was never, "Take and understand," but simply, "Take and eat."  "If any man among you thinketh himself to be wise in this world, let him become a fool that he may be wise" (1 Corinthians 3:18).

There were two boys, both stuck on upper floors of a burning building.  They were able to make their way to windows through which they could be seen by their parents.  However, because the smoke had so irritated the boys' eyes, they were unable to see their fathers below.  And so it was that both men promised to catch their children if only they would leap from the windows.

The first boy cried, "Okay Daddy.  How high am I?"

"What?" the man asked.

"And how far away are you?  I must know how far to jump."

"That's not important.  Just jump!  I'll catch you."

"Is the wind blowing?" the boy said.

"Just jump! PLEASE!  The building is about to crumble!"

"You see, if the wind blows too hard, I may land to one side of you, or perhaps to the other."

And so the boy remained trying to understand how best to reach his father, and because he could not understand he remained in the building until it fell.

At the same time the other man cried to his son, "Jump son!  I'm right here."

The boy, on the inside, feared for himself.  He knew that he was very high, though not sure how high, and he could not see his father.  Even so, he said, "I have faith in my father.  I know nothing of the wind, nor of the height, nor yet of physics.  Nevertheless, at thy word, I will fly."  So the boy separated his feet from the ground trusting in his father to do whatever was necessary to receive his son safely in his arms again.  Tell me now, which is the wiser?  It was faith in a person, not knowledge of a system, that saved the boy's life.  When Job finally met God he did not get answers, instead, he realized how irrelevant his questions were.

The disciples unanimously testified to Thomas that the Lord had risen, and yet Thomas replied, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe."  Thomas, by grace, was given that opportunity, and he responded, "My Lord and my God."  Then Jesus said unto him, "Thomas, because you have seen me, you have believed.  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Heretofore I had believed only because I had "seen," and that I called faith.  But it was the others who received the blessing.

My name is Thomas.  I am a skeptic.  My cry has always been, "Unless I 'see,' I will not believe."  But now, my cry has become a prayer, "Lord I believe, help Thou my unbelief."