This Is Who I Really Am

"We begin to notice, beside our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they woudl obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. I can to some extent control my acts: I have no direct control over my temperament. And if (as I said before) what we are matters even more than what we do--if, indeed, what we do matters chiefly as evidence of what we are--then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, vountary efforts cannot bring about. And this applies to my good actions too. How many of them were done for the right movtive? How many for fear of public opinion, or a desire to show off? How many from a sort of obstinacy or sense of superiority which, in different circumstances, might equally have led to soem very bad act? But I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps in the Christ life we realise that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God."---C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pp.192, 193

Non-Christian Living vs. Christian Living

LETTER TO DIOGNETUS

"Christians are not different from the rest of men in nationality, speech, or customs; . . . They live each in his native land---but as though they were not really at home there. They share in all duties like citizens and suffer all hardships like strangers. Every foreign land is for them a fatherland and every fatherland a foreign land. They marry like the rest of men and beget children, but they do not abandon the babies that are born. They share a common board, but not a common bed. In the flesh as they are, they do not live according to the flesh. They dwell on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the laws that men make, but their lives are better thant he laws. They love all men, but are persecuted by all. They are unknown, and yet they are condemned. They are put to death, yet are more alive than ever. They are paupers, but they make may rich. They lack all things, and yet in all things they abound. They are dishonored, yet glory in their dishonor. They are maligned, and yet are vindicated. They are reviled, and yet they bless. They suffer insult, yet they pay respect. They do good, yet are punished with the wicked. When they are punished, they rejoice, as though they were getting more of life. In a word, what the soul is to the body, Christians are to the world."

ARISTIDES

"[Christians] have the commandments of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself engraved on their hearts, and these they observe, looking for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. They commit neither adultery nor fornication; nor do they bear false witness, nor covet other men's goods: they honor father and mother, and love their nieghbors: they give right judgment. They do not unto others that which they would not have done unto themselves. They comfort such as wrong them, and make friends of them: they labor to do good to their enemies . . . They despise not the widow, and grieve not the orphan. He that has distributes liberally to him that does not have. If they see a stranger, they bring him under their roof, and rejoice over him, as it were their own brother: for they call themselves brethren, not after the flesh, but after the spirit."

MINUCIUS FELIX

"We, on the other hand, prove our modesty not by external appearance but by character; with a good heart we cling to the bond of one marriage; in our desire for offspring we have only one wife or none at all. The banquets we conduct are distinguished not only by their modesty, but also by their soberness. We do not indulge in sumptuous meals or produce good fellowship by drawn out wine bibbing, but hold in check our cheerful spirits by the sobriety of our manners. Chaste in conversation and even more chaste in body, very many enjoy the perpetual virginity of a body undefiled rather than boast of it. In short, the desire of incest is so far from our thoughts that some blush even at the idea of a chaste union."

TERTULLIAN

"Our tongues, our eyes, our ears have nothing to do with the madness of the circus, the shamelessness of the theater, the brutality of the arena, the vanity of the gymnasium."

"The practice of such a special love brands us in the eyes of some. 'See,' they say, 'how they love one another'; (for they hate one another), 'and how ready they are to die for each other.' (They themselves would be more ready to kill each other.)

LACTANTIUS

"Nor is it difficult to show why the worshippers of the gods cannot be good and just. For how shall they abstain from the shedding of blood who worship bloodthirsty deities, Mars and Bellona? Or how shall they spare their parents who worship Jupiter, who drove out his father? Or how shall they spare their own infants who worship Saturnus? How shall they uphold chastity who worship a goddess who is naked, and an adultress, and who prostitutes herself as it were among the gods? How shall they withhold themselves from plunder and frauds who are acquainted with the thefts of Mercurius, who teaches that to deceive is not the part of fraud, but of cleverness? How shall they restrain their lusts who worship Jupiter, Hercules, Liber, Apollo, and the others, whose adulteries and debaucheries with men and women are not only known to the learned, but are even set forth in the theatres, and made the subject of songs, so that they are notorious to all? Among these things is it possible fo rmen to be just, who, although they were naturally good, would be trained to injustice by the very gods themselves? For, that you may propitiate the gods whom you worship, there is need of those things with which you know that he is pleased and delighted. Thus it comes to pass that the god fashions the life of his worshippers according to the character of his own will, since the most religious worship is to imitate."

As quoted in The Teachings of the Church Fathers, John R. Willis, S.J., pp.38-42

I Am The Problem

The London Times once asked some writers, including G.K. Chesterton, for essays on the topic, "What's Wrong With The World?" He replied:

Dear Sirs,

I am.

Sincerely Yours,

G.K. Chesterton

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"Let it not be forgotten that no radical restoration is more important than our own: one by one. Christian by Christian. If we, ourselves, were truly transformed in faith and life, most of the problems of 'the church' would take care of themselves."---F. Lagard Smith

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself"---Leo Tolstoy

What's the Point?

An article entitled “11 Most Important Philosophical Quotations” included a quotation by Albert Camus that goes something like this, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether or not life is worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest are games . . . one must first answer the question of suicide.” This is not an article on suicide, but a question related to suicide. This is an article about happiness and meaning. Although Albert Camus believed that an absurd life did not necessitate suicide it must be admitted that people who choose suicide have deemed this life absurd or, at the least, unhappy. They would rather not live at all than to live unhappily. So we are faced with the question, can happiness be found in this life? And if so, where? Let’s examine the happiness that the world has to offer and then see what the Bible has to say about our happiness.

Well, what does the world have to offer? Only three things: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (cf. 1 John 2:15-17). How might we epitomize these three things? Well, the lust of the flesh has to do with all of our appetites, but probably the one that comes to most minds is sex. You may have thought of food but it seems that sex is perverted more often than food (unless you live in America, then they have an equal share). The lust of the eyes has to do with the things that we see as well as (I believe) the obtaining of those things, and the primary way we obtain those things is through money. Finally, the pride of life. We might personify this as power. So then, although people seek happiness in more than just these three ways it seems that they are the most common: sex, money, and power. If this is where happiness is to be found then we would expect the sexiest, richest, most powerful people in the world to be the happiest, but all of them are in Hollywood and how many of them are truly happy? Very few, if any. It is interesting to note that the suicide rate in teenagers increased about 5,000% between 1950 and 1990. This coincided with the sexual revolution and the propagation of “the pill.” Obviously, sex did not make them very happy. The suicide rate of Sweden is something like a thousand times higher than Haiti, even though it is a far wealthier country. Money, apparently, does not make them happy. There is also a legend that says when Alexander the Great came to the end of his military campaign he wept because there was no more world to conquer. Power did not make him happy. Why is it the case that none of these things make a man happy? I think it is summed up in this: happiness is not something you can get by seeking it.

C.S. Lewis said, “Put first things first and we get second things thrown in: put second things first and we lose both first and second things. We never get, say, even the sensual pleasure of food at its best by being greedy.” In sex one is seeking intimacy, but in order to have intimacy one must love giving. However, the sex addict is not concerned with giving, only taking and selfish pleasure, therefore he does not obtain intimacy. A demand for intimacy makes intimacy impossible. He kills the very thing he seeks by placing it first and wanting it more than anything else. The covetous man wants money because he believes it will offer him rest and comfort, but when he spends all of his time working to obtain money he has neither rest nor comfort. He kills the very thing he seeks by wanting it more than anything else. The powerful and prideful man wants recognition, but the prideful man is quite snobby and no one wants to give recognition to a snobby person. The person who demands recognition is the one who never gets it. He kills the very thing he wants by wanting it more than anything else. Well, what is the answer? Where is happiness found? Most of you, I think, will expect me to say that you can only find happiness through God, but that is not exactly what I am going to say. One cannot find happiness, even through God, as long as he is seeking happiness first. The person who seeks happiness through God is the person who says, “If serving God is the only way I can be happy, then fine. I will serve You, God, but only so long as you make me happy. Otherwise, I won’t serve you.” That person is not really seeking God, he is seeking happiness. He is trying to control God and tell God what to do, but God will not be controlled like that. He is King, not you, and not me. This way of thinking treats God as a means, not an end, and God must always be our end. We cannot put happiness first. If we do, we lose it. The only way to find happiness is to give it up. Is it any wonder that God says to us, “He that saves his life shall lose it, and he that loses his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:24, 25). God’s answer is this: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). I do mean exactly that if we seek God first that He will give us sex, money, and power, but in order to explain what I mean I must move on to my next point. To quote Alexander MacLaren, “The longest way round is the shortest way home.”

Here is the key to happiness: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37). One might say, “I thought you said that you could not find happiness through God?” That is right. But I did not say that God does not make us happy. I said that we cannot manipulate God into making us happy. Notice the Psalm, “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psalm 37:4). I do not believe that this means, “Serve God and He’ll give you everything you want,” but rather, “When God is what you want He will give you Himself.” And really, is that not what we are searching for in the first place? Augustine said, “Amor meus, pondus meum” or “My love is my weight.” Everything he loved pulled him like a weight, or gravity, towards God. Even when we love the world, if we will look through the world instead of at the world we will see God. When a person seeks happiness in pride what is he seeking? Recognition. But it is only by humbling himself before God that he gets the most valuable recognition, God’s. “For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted” (Luke 14:11). When a person seeks happiness in money and stuff, what is he seeking? Rest and comfort. But it is only in coming to God that he receives these things. “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). Even the person who looks for happiness in sex is looking for God . This person is looking for intimacy and how much more intimate can you get than being married to the one Person who knows you perfectly inside and out? “And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God” (Revelation 19:5). G.K. Chesterton said, “When the adulterer knocks on the door of the brothel he is really looking for a Cathedral.” Peter Kreeft commented on this saying, “Therefore Christ alone is the answer to the Sexual Revolution because nobody else gives us intimacy with God.” Our search for happiness is, at bottom, a restless search for God. The most famous quote from Augustine is this: “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds rest in Thee.” All of the world justifies theirs sins by saying, “Well, I just believe that God wants me to be happy.” God does want us to be happy, the problem is, what we are doing does not really make us happy and that’s exactly why He forbids it! George MacDonald put it well, “Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it.”

Here is the most interesting thing: when our focus is on loving God, we will not be concerned with whether or not we are happy because the deepest love never is. A father does not love his children because they make him happy, he loves them because they are his children whether they make him happy or not. Many couples make each other miserable and yet stay together far longer than makes any sense because they are “in love.” One might say, “Better to be unhappy and with him than happy without him.” Many battered women when asked why they remained with abusive husbands responded, “Because I love him.” We will feel the same way when we love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Brother Lawrence, a monk and author of The Practice of the Presence of God, said of himself, “I did not engage in the religious life but for the love of God, and I have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him.” And again, “Sufferings will be sweet and pleasant to us while we are with Him; and the greatest pleasures will be, without Him, a cruel punishment to us.”

Now that I have said that love is not concerned with happiness I must now say that God does make us happy, but that happiness is only accidental. We will love God whether He makes us happy or not, but we find that He does make us happy. It is interesting to note that the Catholic Church will not canonize a person, that is, recognize him or her as a Saint, if they do not find in that person all of the fruits of the Spirit, and that includes joy. The people who have lost themselves the most in God have been the happiest, most joyful people. It is also peculiar that we often talk about the “fruits” (plural) of the Spirit when the Bible only speaks of the “fruit” (singular) of the Spirit. Someone has commented that the only fruit of the Spirit is Love, the first in the list, and that everything which follows, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are all manifestations of love. Like one fruit, say, an orange, when cut in half shows many different sections on the inside. The one fruit is love, and one of its sections is joy. The truest love, which loves in spite of unhappiness, brings us the truest happiness. I said before that just because we seek God first does not mean that He will give us sex, money, and power, but there is a sense in which we only truly possess those things when we place Him first. Only when we have God can we know what true intimacy, rest, and recognition is and only then can we truly see, posses, and appreciate the intimacy, rest, and recognition that we might have. C.S. Lewis said again, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” This is why if we lay up treasures on the earth they corrupt (cf. Matthew 6:19). If we seek those treasures for their own sake they pass away. But if we seek God and lay up treasures in Heaven (cf. Matthew 6:20) those things never corrupt. If we seek God, “all these things” shall be given to us.

How then do we learn to love God for Himself? This will likely be the most disappointing part of the article because it is at once the simplest answer and the hardest to hear, and to answer it I will use the words of William Law, “If you will here stop and ask yourselves why you are not as pious as the primitive Christians were, your own heart will tell you, that it is neither through ignorance nor inability, but purely because you have never thoroughly intended it.” Simply put, if we intend to love God we will. Therefore, we must not have intended it. If we want God He has promised to give us Himself. “Seek, and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7). However, once we have intended to love God we still must practice and if we would learn to love God we must start by learning to love our brother for “he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” (1 John 4:20). Is it any wonder then that God said, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me?” (Matthew 25:40). I read once before, “If you would learn to love better, start with someone you hate.” Well, how are we to do that? When Christ told us to love our enemies He did not leave us in the dark as to how to do that. “But I say unto you, Love your enemies.” How Jesus? “Bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). Again, William Law said, “There is nothing that makes us love a man so much as praying for him.” Why is that the case? Because our heart follows our treasure (cf. Matthew 6:21), and our most valuable treasure is our time, therefore our heart will be given to the things to which we give our time. If we do things for a person we find that we come to love that person more. The same things that help us learn to love Man will help us learn to love God. Just start. Do. Perform the action of love even when you do not feel love and you will find that you feel love more. And the more love that you feel the easier performing the action of love becomes, and as you perform acts of love more effortlessly you feel love more effortlessly. One reinforces the other. By giving we receive, and by receiving we are better able to give. We must love God. If we miss God we will be hopelessly unhappy. Charles Péguy said, “Life holds only one tragedy, ultimately: not to have been a saint.”

So then, what is the point? The point is not to be happy. The point is God. It always has been. But when we see that, we will finally be happy.

Pages from My Journal: The Arrogant and The Trembling

2-07-12

I have experienced for the first time a genuine fear associated with being a teacher of God's word and a leader in His most holy church.

I know not what was said in the Bible study at Alejandro's house, or why it struck me so, but sitting there with Domingo and Alejandro I suddenly became terrified to speak.

This is not to say that I never knew or acknowledged the necessity of such fear, but that I have never known it experientially. I knew that I ought to tremble before God, but I had never done so. I had even prayed the following prayer, "Lord, don't let me mess this one up" as preparation to preach a sermon, but I see now that those words were uttered out of a sense of duty towards reverence and not a genuine felt fear. I knew I ought to tremble though I did not.

I now question whether or not I am fit to preach at all. How arrogant was I to believe that I was fit to preach because "I had all the answers." I was eager to "educate the people." I thought that there was nothing beyond my comprehension. Whenever met with a question I was eager to speak for God, to be God's advocate, and to justify His actions. I felt ready to explain why God seemed to tolerate polygamy in the Old Testament. I "knew" why God commanded entire nations, including women and children, to be annihilated. Now I only stand puzzled. To think that I ever attempted to explain such things too wonderful for me.

Things that I formerly felt as sure of as I am my own name have now been turned on their heads, and I now feel just as certain of their opposite. This being so, I hesitate to trust many of my own convictions, and I stand aghast at the thought of transferring my ignorance to another. I think it true, "Only two men become leaders of faith: the arrogant and the trembling."

I have now developed a distaste for one way communication. I fear to teach and preach in any venue where I cannot be immediately questioned and corrected. Now, my first preoccupation after I have read a thing is, "What have I missed?" I immediately want to share what I have found with others, but not so I can educate them (as before), rather so that they can educate me. I desire discussion and two-way talk, communal learning.

I fear now to say anything authoritatively for fear that I will speak beyond my capacity to understand and that some soul (God have mercy) will be convinced by smooth words. What shall be rendered unto me having lead such a one astray? God have mercy on us both.

I think that I shall always be a teacher. My heart will not allow me to do anything else. But I do so pleading God to forgive my ignorance. I feel certain that I shall have many things for which to answer when I meet my Lord. I only find comfort in knowing that His grace is greater than all my sin. God forgive me.

Pages from My Journal: Disputes and Arguments Over Words

1-29-12

Today during Bible class there arose a small contention between Saulo and Domingo concerning Jude 22, 23. They disputed as to whether or not "those that doubt" refers to those within or without the church. Domingo espoused the former and Saulo the latter. I could not help but think the discussion to be wholly unfruitful and much like the "disputes and arguments over words" against which Paul so wisely warned Timothy. In both cases, whether Jude referred to those within or without the church, they are in need of mercy, compassion, and salvation from the fire of which they are in danger.

Second, the congregation is wholly made of new Christians and it seems imprudent to me to squabble over crumbs in the presence of new believers. I very much respect Domingo's dedication to truth, but in him I see my former self. At that time my love for truth had been corrupted, imperceptibly, into a prideful (though neither he nor I would recognize it as pride) desire to be found "right." We would rather defend our actions "in the cause of truth." But, though truth be precious, is all truth necessary? Either to know or to be defended? Must a man know all the truth and nothing but the truth? No man can know all the truth, and I find it equally unlikely that a man can escape this life without some misunderstanding having crept in. It is unlikely that all the knowledge which he has obtained would be true in all its facets.

I increasingly find such disputes sour to my taste and wish that the Lord's most holy church were rid of them. I pray, Lord, that Thou wilt give me the wisdom and humility to avoid involvement in such disputes and to love Thy church as Thy body, Thine own flesh and blood.

What truths are necessary? What truths must be known and defended against corruption? What truths affect the salvation of man's soul? These questions, though the three at their root are one, have become increasingly troublesome to my spirit. We must buy truth and sell it not, and at the same time, we must avoid disputes over words which do gender strife.

What's more, with each day I do think increasingly that the church of our Lord, the church of Christ, bought with His own blood (and how precious a price), the universal body of disciples, the Way, established that first Pentecost following our Lord's resurrection, is guilty of involving itself in such disputes. I feel that it is guilty of treating things which are not, as if they were; that it is straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. We are taking care to count our spices but neglecting love, mercy, and justice. God have mercy on our souls.

"What doth it profit to argue about hidden and dark things, concerning which we shall not be even reproved in the judgment, because we knew them not? Oh, grievous folly, to neglect the things which are profitable and necessary, and to give our minds to things which are curious and hurtful! Having eyes, we see not." The Imitation of Christ, chp. III, .1.

Letters To a Friend: Living Deliberately and Carefree

Here I will write concerning living deliberately and carefree. Since this has been a matter of some contention between us I will be as clear and precise as I can. I think that perhaps one of the reasons we have disagreed on this point is our failure to agree on our terms. Therefore, I will give extra attention to the definitions of the words “deliberately” and “carefree.”

When I speak of living deliberately I am speaking of living on purpose, or with purpose, and direction. My experiences with myself and others have lead me to believe that people often lead with their natural appetites and emotions. Sadly, our passions are often selfish. In their most natural state they are only concerned with self gratification and self preservation. My purpose here is not to discredit passion—a life without passion is an empty one—but simply to encourage you to be wary of its direction and end. God gave us our emotions and passions. They are what make life precious and enjoyable, but only when they are directed aright by our intellect. Anything that God has given us, if used improperly, is a cause of sorrow, not joy. Living deliberately then is about directing our passions and emotions “on purpose.” Rather than being a servant to our passions, and allowing them to control us, we must be their master and control them. Even Paul, when speaking of his own passions, said, “I will not be brought under the power of any.”

So, how are you to apply this practically? Whatever things you like, or as we are prone to say, whatever things you “love” should be subject to the question and direction of your intellect in order to live on purpose. If you are simply blown by the winds of your passions then you cannot live a fulfilling deliberate life. You will not arrive at any place “on purpose.” You will only land where the winds of passion take you. If you live in this way it will be as if your life were a paper-airplane. With no pilot and only the wind to give it direction, you never know where it will land or how far the plane will fly. You only begin to live deliberately when you trade in your paper- airplane for a real one and decide to pilot the plane yourself. Now you have control of the plane. You can direct it through the turbulent winds, even use the winds to your benefit, and when the winds alone have taken you as far as they can, you can travel even farther by the motor of intellect. When you have done this you can decide when and where your plane will land. A person who does not live deliberately will direct his passions selfishly at best; at worst he will not direct them at all.

The person who does not direct his passions at all is modeled by many Americans. He is ruled by his passions and not the ruler of them. This person has no idea where he wants to go but isn’t bothered too much by it because he hasn’t given it much thought. He is content to work the same job day to day, not because he really likes it, but because it allows him to pay the cable bill. This person lives to eat, sleep, work, and play (with whatever time he may have after eating, sleeping, and working). This is the person who “vegges” in front of the television every night, and “vegging” is a very accurate description. Living this way is closer to living the life of a vegetable than it is to being human. This person does nothing significant with his life. He has chosen the path of least resistance. This half-life requires hardly any effort at all and leads to a miserable and ultimately unfulfilling existence. This is the paper-airplane life. He was cast to the wind and very shortly thereafter made a nose dive towards the couch in front of the television.

Now, for some the paper-airplane life is just too sloppy. They know that they want more, so they use their passions to get them there. They get out of the house instead of watching television, and they pursue a career instead of a dead-end job. They direct their passions, but only to selfish ends; either to become rich, or simply to please themselves. Again, I am not discouraging the pursuit of passion. I strongly believe that every person should pursue something about which they are very passionate. I just believe that the most fulfilling things, the things that we can pursue with the most passion, are things which extend beyond ourselves and our passions alone very seldom lead us there; they must be poked, prodded, directed, and carried farther by our intellect. Our passions only serve ourselves only. We must make the intellectual decision to direct our passions away from ourselves in order to make them serve something greater. Is it any wonder that Jesus says we must deny ourselves in order to follow Him? If a person only serves himself I am afraid that he will be disappointed. For example, if a man were to become a doctor simply because he loves medicine and it pleases him to practice it, he would find himself dissatisfied with his life in a very short time. Being lead by his passions only, he chose an occupation to serve himself only. One might object and say, “But a doctor does not serve himself, he serves other people.” Ah, but in this case his service to others is only accidental. It was not part of the motivation that drove the man to choose the profession. Think here of Paul’s statement, “Though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing.” Feeding the poor will help others, but without the motivation of love this service is only accidental and it profits nothing. Motivation matters. This doctor’s decision was wholly selfish. He chose it only because he enjoyed it, and that is as far as the winds of passion alone can take him. This life is a step up. We might call this the hang-glider life. This person knows where he wants to go and is able to use the winds of passion to get him there, but he can only go as far as the wind will take him, and it can take him no farther than the Landing Pad of Self. He has no motor to take him any farther than that. Altogether, he is still at the mercy of his passions. This life gets nearer to the destination, but still does not arrive at the goal of living deliberately.

I should think that if a man were to become a doctor with the intention of helping others that not only would he be a better doctor but a much happier man as well. That decision would not only be a passionate one, but a deliberate one also. That would be the airplane life. He uses the wind for his flight but he is not controlled by it. Not only is he able to give his passion direction, but when the wind brings him to the Landing Pad of Self, he has the power to fly onward to the Land of True Fulfillment in the country of Contribution to Others.

Living deliberately is not ignoring passion. Neither is it directing your passions selfishly or allowing them to blow you wherever they want (which usually is not very far). Living deliberately is about recognizing your passions, directing them on purpose, and making the intellectual decision to push them beyond yourself. A selfish “purpose” is hardly a purpose at all because you are the one primarily served by it. What is done for others is not done “on purpose” but only accidentally. Therefore, what good is accomplished by you mostly dies with you, and we are all quickly headed to the grave. William Law wrote, “No one is to live in his employment for such ends as please his own fancy, but is to do all his business in such a manner as to make it a service unto God.” In this we hear echoes of the first Corinthian letter, “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” So then, I commend these things to you with a hearty “Amen.”

But what if a man’s motive of passion is hidden from him? What if a man is stirred to pursue music but he is unable to discern whether his intentions are selfish or whether they serve something beyond himself? Should he proceed and pursue his passion anyway? This is a particularly difficult question but one that must be addressed because I have found it to be the rule, not the exception. Sometimes people like a thing because it serves themselves. Other times they like doing things because they contribute to others, but they are unaware that this is part of their satisfaction. Most often people “just like” to do things and cannot give reasons as to why. All that I have learned thus far leads me to say, “Yes, such a person should still pursue his passion.” Though this life later may be discovered to be the life of a hang-glider it is still better than the paper-airplane. At least in this life he may serve others accidentally. The paper-airplane hardly serves anyone, even by accident. So, though I believe that he should still pursue his work, I will offer these three suggestions.

First, he must make sure that he has truly questioned himself. Very often the only reason a man has not discovered his motive is because he has not cared to look for it. Sometimes men will not give this an honest effort because it proves too difficult, but we must remember that the most difficult things are often the things most worth our time.

Second, if after making a valiant effort to discern his motives they are still hidden from him, he should proceed. However, as he goes forward he should not forget about the importance of motive and regularly report for heart check-ups (the spiritual kind). Sometimes a man’s reasons for doing things are not immediately evident, but if he will proceed and continue to question his motives they will reveal themselves.

Third, what if, after pursuing his passion, he discovers it to have been followed for self gratification only? I can see only two options available to the man who would live deliberately, and one of these is to be preferred over the other. Once a man is granted the wisdom and humility to admit that his passion has been self serving he can either abandon this work in order to find another which he can pursue unselfishly, or he can give a new direction to his existing one, and extend it beyond himself. He can return the hang-glider and trade it in for a real airplane, or he can build a motor while he glides. I should think that the latter of these two options is preferable. Abandoning any passion, regardless of how selfish one recognizes it to be, is difficult and not easily accomplished; however, there may be occasions where this is the only option. The goal of living deliberately is to live both a passionate and purposeful life: passionate because you do what you love, and purposeful because you do it for others as well as yourself.

Now, we move onward to living carefree. When I say “carefree” I do not mean a life that is lived without caring for anything. If that were my definition then living deliberately and living carefree would certainly be in opposition to one another because living deliberately involves pursuing those things for which you care most. When I speak of living carefree I mean this in the biblical sense; I mean living without worry. I am sorry to say that this is a very difficult thing to do.

First, in order to live carefree you must live deliberately. It is the fear of the unlived life that causes a person to worry most. They worry that their lives are being wasted, and what’s worse is that many of them are being wasted. Don’t waste yours. Make your life extraordinary.

Second, in order to live carefree you must accept failure. We will only be perfect in the life after this one, but that is God’s business, not our own. In this life you are certain to be imperfect and you must accept that. This does not mean living a mediocre life. That would also contradict the deliberate life. What this does mean is that you no longer worry about being perfect. If you are set on being perfect then you will never be happy or worry free because you will never attain that on which your happiness depends. It is a paradox, but not accepting failure is what makes us feel the most like failures, and accepting failure is what makes us feel the most successful. If you are a perfectionist then all you will ever see are your imperfections. However, if you accept imperfection as a part of the human condition then you are free to recognize the things that you have accomplished. Accepting failure allows one to forget about being “best” and to be satisfied with getting better. We must grow as individuals in order to live happy carefree lives, but it is the journey of growth that we must enjoy, not the unattainable destination of perfection.

Allow me to explain further. If I accept failure as a certainty then its arrival will not shake me. Life will be exactly what I expected it to be, and disappointment only comes from unmet expectations. If I expect to be perfect, then I can expect to be disappointed. However, if I expect to be imperfect then I will not be surprised when I find that I am (nor will I be dissatisfied when I discover that others are imperfect, but that is a discussion for another time). It needs to be said that expecting to be imperfect does not mean expecting to be bad. As I grow as a person, I am better, not worse, though I am still imperfect. I have more successes, but always with some failures. Also, when I speak of expecting failure I do not mean that one expects failure at every attempt, only that given a long enough time line everyone will eventually fail. Some may think that accepting failure is a deterrent to the pursuit of success and greatness, but it is just the opposite. People often do not pursue greatness because they fear failure (the lack of perfection). People who accept imperfection as a reality fear failure much less, or not at all, and thereby free themselves to pursue extraordinary lives. If Thomas Edison had expected to create the light bulb upon his first attempt then he would have been disappointed, and he may have even quit, but because he accepted failure as a part of the process he was not deterred from his success. He saw failure as one step closer to the goal. He is reported as having said something like, “I did not fail a thousand times. I successfully found a thousand ways not to make the light bulb.” Whether or not he actually said that is a matter of some debate, but it still teaches this important truth: failures are not only certain, but necessary, to success. To reject failure is to reject great success. Whenever we view our failures in this light (no pun intended) they become triumphs. Our failures often teach us what not to do. You see then how that the expectation of failure results in more success, not less.

Let us go further. There is a sense in which Edison failed even after creating a working light bulb. If we ask the question, “Did he create a perfect light bulb?” We would have to answer, “No.” His light bulb is still being improved, and perfection by definition cannot be improved. Now, what if he had been satisfied with nothing less than perfection? He would have been a rather miserable man. Not only that, we may not have the light bulb today. If he had been satisfied with nothing short of perfect then he may not have thought his success to be worth sharing. Edison may have said, “I failed. I’ve created a shining pear with a very short life. How useless! This glowing piece of junk is not even worth sharing!” He may have burned his research, returned home, and wallowed in self pity being disappointed, down trodden, depressed, and completely unhappy. Thankfully, that is not the kind of person Edison was. He knew that his bulb was not perfect, but he (and the light bulb for that matter) had grown. He had gone farther than anybody else. Instead of hiding his imperfection, he gave it to the world. The world then took what they also recognized to be imperfect, and made it even better. If I were to tell you a story about a world which thanked, rewarded, and praised failure and imperfection you might call me crazy, but that’s exactly what the world has done with Thomas Edison. In our present world, so concerned with perfection, we have often overlooked the beauty of imperfection. Do not worry about failure. It is going to come. You cannot avoid it. Instead, accept failure as a stepping stone to greater success.

Third, in order to live carefree you must free yourself from worldly attachments. Everything is transient. Let me repeat that. Everything is transient. Everything. This includes your life. It includes my life. And it includes all of our possessions. Whatever you have today you will not have forever, either by life or by death, either by the passage of time or the end of time.

The first and easiest things from which you must rid yourself of attachment are possessions. Things. Stuff. In the past year I have known two people who were brought to sobbing tears because their vehicles were not working properly. Their vehicles were not irreparable; they were both fixed in fact. But while their vehicles remained damaged their lives were miserable. I cannot refrain from quoting Jesus on this point. “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” If your happiness has strings attached to stuff then when those strings are cut, and they will be cut, your happiness will float away. Living carefree is about not worrying and the chorus in this same section of the Bible is “Do not worry!” Listen to Jesus again, “Is not the life more than food, and the body than raiment?” You are not your clothes. You are not your khakis. You are not your shoes. You are not your stuff! That is not your life. Food and clothes are necessary to sustain life, but what life is is so much more! And really, do our things make us happy? We all know deep down that they do not. One of the most cliché proverbs tossed around is “Money can’t buy happiness.” So why do we keep acting like it can? You cannot be attached to things because you will constantly worry about when those things will disappear, and let me assure you, they will disappear.

Finally, you cannot be attached to life; not your life, or the life of others. You may think that I am being cold here but allow me to explain. One who worries about his life or the life of another becomes preoccupied with its end and vain attempts to extend it. In doing so a person loses the capacity to enjoy life. The sooner you accept your mortality the sooner you are free to enjoy the time you have. The one who worries about his death becomes sad when he sees beauty because he does not know how long he will be able to enjoy it. Some men even become angry with God in view of death. However, the man who accepts his mortality sees the same beauty and treasures its view because he knows his time with it is short. He will “suck all the marrow” out of every moment. That same man will turn in praise and blessing to God because he was allowed to enjoy the moment. The one who worries about the death of a loved one becomes preoccupied with the time that he does not have with that person rather than the time that he does have. The one who accepts the temporary nature of life appreciates the smile of their loved one even more. He savors every laugh, takes notice of every tear, and thanks God because he is there, then, at that moment. Live in the moment; do not worry about the future. “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” All we have is now, and life is never more beautiful or more real than it is right now.

When you free yourself from the attachment to others you should not only accept the reality of losing them to death, you must also accept the reality of losing them to change. Sometimes people move away. Sometimes people drift apart. The people that you have in your life right now may not be there tomorrow, not because they have died, but for some other reason. This often tempts me to hold on tighter in an attempt to keep them from drifting away, but I have found that letting go actually allows me to love them more. True love is love that seeks the best for the other person. When I try to hold on what I am really saying is, “Having me in your life is what is best for you.” But what if it isn’t? What if what is best for them is out there, beyond the horizon, away from myself? Will I hold on anyway? If I do then I am not being loving, I am being selfish. I am keeping them close, not because I love them, but because I love myself, because it makes me happy to have them there. When I accept the possibility of losing people to change, not only does it allow me to love them more fiercely, but it makes me less sad when they leave. I suppose if I were to do it perfectly I would not be sad at all, but as we have already discussed, none of us are perfect. The only way to free yourself from worry is to have nothing to worry about. You do not worry about losing things, because they are not that important anyway, and you do not worry about losing people because that only ruins the time you have with them. Besides, what’s best for them might be over the horizon.

Living deliberately and living carefree are not in opposition to one another, in fact, they are necessary to one another. You cannot live deliberately if you are full of worry because your doubts and fears will stop you from pursuing your passions. You cannot live carefree if you do not pursue your passions because the thing which causes the most worry is the possibility of a wasted life, and rightly so. Don’t waste your life. Appreciate what life is, not what it needs. Live deeply. Love fiercely. That is a life worth living.